PHP, The Internet’s Favorite Scapegoat

I’m not sure when it started, but more and more programmers are moving from PHP to Go, Java, and Python. Of course, there are also migrations between the latter three, but you rarely see anyone switching to PHP. This phenomenon got me thinking, and I realized that PHP is indeed the perfect scapegoat. Maybe it’s because its logo is an elephant, making it inherently more capable of carrying burdens.

System Issues? Blame PHP

When systems constantly have issues online, PHP’s fault. When a post-mortem is needed, and someone has to take the fall, it can’t be because of our own incompetence, right? So, let’s blame PHP. After all, it won’t argue back. Blame PHP for being a dynamic language with loose restrictions, which often leaves unnoticed pitfalls. We definitely need to refactor.

If the same people who originally wrote the code are the ones refactoring, regardless of the language, the result will likely be the same. They’re just rewriting the old code in a new language without questioning if their initial design was flawed.

Some even write Go or Java code with a PHP mindset: initializing a bunch of things manually in the main method, defining a ton of map[string]interface{} in Go, or using multithreading to access class properties in Java without locking.

High IT Costs

When server costs remain high, that’s PHP’s fault for poor performance and single-threaded execution. Honestly, not many companies have massive traffic. Most don’t even get that many clicks in a day. If performance is an issue, it’s likely due to a bunch of slow queries running constantly. Switching to C++ or RUST won’t magically fix that.

Remember, PHP was the initial language used by Facebook for building dynamic website content and server-side functionality. I doubt many companies have more traffic than Facebook.

New New Teams

It’s also common for new leaders to clean house. Many people online ask why a company’s system uses three different programming languages. The usual answers revolve around each language being suited for different tasks, but the real reason is often that the company has changed CTOs multiple times, and each brought in their own preferred languages.

When a new technical director arrives, they often try to clear out the old team. During this time, PHP gets blamed for various issues, supposedly hindering future business development and IPO plans. This tactic is used regardless of the development language to justify removing dissenters.

When PHP is blamed and a switch to another language is proposed, some programmers might even cheer. Try switching Java to Go or vice versa; it’s the same story. Last year, our new CTO made us switch from Go to Java, and some colleagues vented on an anonymous forum, claiming it was a step backward.

In reality, if the new leader saw Java, they’d probably make you switch to Go. Overhauling the tech stack is just a way to clean house, keeping compliant team members while getting rid of those who don’t align with the new direction.

KPI and Promotion

Even without a new technical leader, in this KPI-driven, OKR-obsessed era, everyone has to find work to justify their existence. How else can you show that your team is working hard, staying late every day?

PHP becomes the perfect stepping stone. Managers can pitch to higher-ups that a legacy PHP system needs to be reworked with the latest fancy language, assigning the task to someone reliable. This way, even if a promotion isn’t guaranteed, high performance ratings are almost certain.

In conclusion, these are my thoughts and personal views on why PHP often ends up being the scapegoat. This analysis might not apply to truly tech-driven companies. People love comparing programming languages, but the best one is the one that suits your needs. Comparing languages is like ranking sports stars; it’s mostly subjective, but it generates interest and traffic, which in turn supports many people.

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